According to the Social Security Administration's Life Expectancy Calculator, I have reached the halfway point of my life expectancy today. What follows is a brief imagining of my least favorite part of any college football game: the on-field interview with a coach going into the locker room at halftime.
REPORTER: Scott, give me your thoughts on the first half.
REPORTER: What can you tell us about injuries?
ME: We're okay in that department. Bumps and bruises for sure, but nothing we didn't expect going in. Nothing major, thankfully.
REPORTER: You got a scare just before halftime - can you tell me more about that?
ME: Well, there was that mole we had to remove, and yeah, the doctor did say "cancer," but it's not life-threatening, and given how we played in the sun without sunscreen too much back in the first quarter you had to expect that was going to come back to hurt us. It looks like we nipped it in the bud, though, so we should be okay.
REPORTER: Any other issues to report?
ME: Sore knees, sore back, bad eyesight - you just can't expect to stay perfect over the course of an entire game. We'll get some fluids at halftime and reevaluate a few things before coming out for the second half. Halftime adjustments always need to be made.
REPORTER: What's your biggest concern after the first half?
ME: Well, the lack of discipline is always an issue for us. It's been a problem for us all along. We've just got to bear down and find ways to stay on task, and I think you started to see that just before the end of the half. I expect things to look really good in the 3rd quarter. Hopefully we can really push in the 3rd quarter so the 4th is a nice easy trip to the final play.
REPORTER: What did you like about the first half?
ME: We're always a passionate team - we love to have fun out there. Even when it's stressful, there's a lot of laughter. You can't take things too seriously all the time, and right now we're feeling like there's a chance to do some real good things and show people what we're made of. Stay tuned for the second half - I think our fans will like what they see.
REPORTER: Thanks, Coach. With that, we'll send you back to the booth.