Sermon for the Second Sunday of Easter: "Hard To Get"

You who live in heaven
Hear the prayers of those of us who live on earth
Who are afraid of being left by those we love
And who get hardened in the hurt

Do you remember when You lived down here where we all scrape
To find the faith to ask for daily bread
Did You forget about us after You had flown away
Well I memorized every word You said
Still I'm so scared, I'm holding my breath
While You're up there just playing hard to get

You who live in radiance
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in skin
We have a love that's not as patient as Yours was
Still we do love now and then

Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat
Will those who mourn be left uncomforted
While You're up there just playing hard to get?

And I know You bore our sorrows
And I know You feel our pain
And I know that it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most
And after I have figured this, somehow
What I really need to know

Is if You who live in eternity
Hear the prayers of those of us who live in time
We can't see what's ahead
And we can not get free from what we've left behind
I'm reeling from these voices that keep screaming in my ears
All these words of shame and doubt, blame and regret

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
To where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

“Hard to Get” by Rich Mullins,

recorded on The Jesus Record

© 1998 - Liturgy Legacy Music / Word Music / ASCAP

Thomas the Apostle would have understood what Rich was singing about. The Second Sunday of Easter always tells this story, mainly because the gospel tells us it happened a week after the Resurrection. Thomas was a complex character, to say the least. In John 14, when Jesus was preparing his disciples for the crucifixion, Thomas was the one who asked, "Jesus, where are you going?" Thomas is the one who wouldn’t say he understood when he didn’t understand. In John 11, when Jesus was going back to Bethany to bring his friend Lazarus out of the grave, the disciples knew that Jesus was putting Himself into harm's way. But Thomas was the only disciple who said: "Let us go to die with him." Thomas was the disciple who went 100% when he DID understand. In poker terms, Thomas was an "all-in" kind of disciple.

"I'll believe it when I see it!" This is the catchphrase of the skeptic. "Too good to be true" is another. And my all-time favorite, which appears on the internet as TANSTAAFL "There ain't no such thing as a free lunch." Skeptics are the reasonable ones among us who won't buy in until they've been completely convinced of the truth of a proposition. Thomas was not the only skeptic among the disciples. John 20 says the door was locked when Jesus first came to the disciples. Why was it locked? Because they were afraid. Why were they afraid? Because Jesus was dead. Every last one of them was a skeptic, and so are we. Jesus is in the business of turning us into recovering skeptics.[1]

"I see it when I believe it" is the cry of the recovering skeptic. It is revelation: The disciples, all of them, have finally seen Jesus in the way He intends to be seen; not as just some teacher, one of many prophets, a spiritual guru, but "MY LORD AND MY GOD!" They have seen. They believe. Life is changed forever.

In John's Gospel, the difference between light and darkness is not the difference between faith and doubt, as some have suggested. The difference between light and darkness is the difference between faith and fear. Doubting Thomas is not the problem in John 20: the fearful disciples huddled behind locked doors in the upper room are the problem.

The prophet Isaiah says, “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light.”[2] Think, in your own life: what darkness holds you captive? What fear imprisons you behind locked doors? I’m certain the disciples felt abandoned by God – and I know you’ve felt this way before. The sad news is that you’ll feel that way again. Sin, whether it belongs to you or someone else, will find you. All of us will find ourselves wanting nothing more than a locked room and the company of close friends – to shut the world out so we can’t be hurt or deceived any more. It is into these locked rooms Jesus comes, bearing his scars and bestowing his peace.

"Peace be with you," Jesus says. When Jesus talks about peace, he means a different kind of peace. "Peace I leave with you," Jesus says, "I do not give to you as the world gives…If the world hates you, be aware that it hated me before it hated you. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. Because I have chosen you out of the world, the world hates you…I have said these things to you so that IN ME you may have peace. In the world you face persecution. But take courage, I have conquered the world." When we see the world through Jesus' eyes, we see that we are sent to give ourselves to the world as Jesus gave himself, fully and completely, with no reservation or fear. In John 14, Jesus gave his disciples a new commandment: love one another. We remember that commandment on Maundy Thursday, translated from the Latin mandatum: commandment. "By this everyone will know you are my disciples," Jesus says, "if you have love for one another."

"Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe," Jesus says. This is not a condemnation of Thomas for his skepticism – this is a word for those who come after Thomas to see and hear, that we may remember that we are as blessed as Thomas the recovering skeptic. True, we have not seen Jesus with our physical eyes. But the apostle who wrote this gospel wrote it for us, that we may be blessed as Jesus said. Not only "come to believe," but "continue to believe." Anyone who has sincerely tried to be a follower of Jesus knows that it's not an easy thing to do. Instead of a gradual climb of holiness, where every step leads to a higher degree of sanctification, we find that following Jesus leads us down a narrow path that has bends and curves and hills and valleys. Like the old song goes, "Sometime the load is heavy, and sometimes the road is long, and sometimes, Lord, this heart of mine is not so very strong." But all along the road of faith, in all our moments of darkness and light, fear and faith, we have a good and loving Savior who submits Himself time and again to our need for reassurance and faith. Even in our darkest and most fear-filled anxieties, the One whom we confess is our Lord and our God is willing to come into the locked rooms of our hearts and give us His peace. Thus we see His wounds. Thus we hear His voice. Thus we come to believe.

We will not always trust in Jesus. Our sin and our death and most of all our fear are fighting a losing battle, but they are fighting tooth and nail to hold on to all their lies and manipulations. But Jesus has words for us to see and hear in those hard times. Jesus says, "So you have pain now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice and no one will take your joy from you. On that day, you will ask nothing of Me." (John 16.22)

When Thomas saw Jesus again, his skeptical heart rejoiced and he confessed the words we all long to say in our hearts: "My Lord and my God!" In this Resurrection season, remember that seeing and hearing Jesus is as close as the people around you, who have all been given life in Jesus' name and live to be the words and hands of Jesus in the world.

· You are no longer captive to your sins – you have been set free to love one another

· You are no longer captive to your fears – the peace of Christ is given to you for protection from all that threatens you · You are no longer captive to your skepticism – do not doubt, but believe.

We have all we need when we see and hear Him through the eyes and ears of faith, and through seeing and hearing Him, we believe in Him and have life in his name. "My Lord and my God!" – give us faith to see and to hear You. Amen.

---

[1] I disovered this term from Pastor Ed Markquart, who retired from Grace Lutheran Church in Seattle in 2007. I can’t find the original reference, but you can see his work at http://sermonsfromseattle.com

[2] Isaiah 9.2

Thoughts on Bonhoeffer: The Church and the Reign of God

We watched the documentary "Bonhoeffer" tonight for our Campus Ministry Movie Night for April. As we discussed the life of this remarkable saint, I remembered a paper I'd written for a seminary class on the Holy Spirit, which drew deeply from Bonhoeffer. Thought it'd be an appropriate thing to share. If you like seminary papers, that is. If not, this may be a good day to go elsewhere, and fear no ill will on my part - seminary papers are not for everyone.

Scott

"[The Spirit] will glorify me, because he will take what is mine and declare it to you. All that the Father has is mine. For this reason I said that he will take what is mine and declare it to you.

The Gospel According to John, 16^th Chapter, verses 14 & 15

This, according to David K. Rensberger, is "The Work of the Spirit."[1] The Spirit takes that which belongs to Christ and declares it to those who hear the voice of Christ. One can easily argue that this implies that the Spirit is declaring Jesus Christ himself for the good of the world – the picture of Christ's ministry is one of self-sacrifice and redemption in the name of God's own Son ransoming the world. But limiting the work of the Spirit to a declaration of Christ for the world ignores a significant question unanswered: when will the need for declaration cease, and what is the world's status while it lives between incarnation and parousia? If the world waits with longing, even groaning in anticipation for the world to come[2], why would the Creator of this world hesitate or delay the coming of Christ and the end of this world?

The answer is found in the work of the Holy Spirit, which is the avenue through which the reciprocity of Christ and the world is revealed. Not only is Christ given for the world, but the world is given for Christ: within Christ, the world finds its existence, and within the world, Christ lives wherever the Spirit causes God to be glorified in Jesus Christ, the crucified and risen savior of the world. Here the Spirit of Christ, that which reveals Christ to the world, works God's eternal life into temporal reality, not as a far-off goal or a delayed hope, but in an already/not yet reality that creates faith in the full reality of God's future promise.

In John 17.3, Jesus describes eternal life in this way: "…this is eternal life, that they may know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent." Traditionally, eternal life has been pictured as an unrealized future promise; life in temporality has always been seen as the 'first life,' the one which must end before eternal life may begin. Note here that there is no requirement for delay in this word from the gospel of John: Jesus simply states that eternal life begins with the knowledge of the Creator and Jesus Christ. If the work of the Spirit includes the revelation of Christ for the world, then eternal life, through the work of that same Holy Spirit, has already begun!

Is this possible? Most certainly; one may know God the Creator and Jesus Christ the Redeemer within the world. Jesus was, after all, a real human being, and when Christ is known, the Creator is known: "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. If you know me, you will know my Father also." (John 14.6-7a). But Christ was not and is not known solely in his particular, incarnate human body; through the continuing work of the Spirit, Christ is known in the present as well.

Why would this be done now? Because the world, as the continuing creation of God, is glorious and exists for God's present revelation, not only for a future promise. This present revelation is, of course, the inbreaking of the future promise, but as the world groans with anticipation for God's future, as the Spirit works in the world to make the Creator and the Christ known, the glory of it all is such that the angels watch as they are able:

It was revealed to [the prophets of grace before Jesus' time] that they were serving not themselves but you, in regard to the things that have now been announced to you through those who brought you good news by the Holy Spirit sent from heaven - things into which angels long to look! (I Peter 1.12, emphasis mine)

If the angels long to look at the Holy Spirit bringing good news in the present the world, one would think this means that there's something in the world worth watching! The work of the Word, whether the Word/Christ or the Word/Holy Spirit, is still creating all things. The world still belongs to God, and what belongs to God is declared by God the Holy Spirit. But what causes the angels to stop and stare is this: where that declaration is heard, where God is glorified and Jesus Christ is revealed as Immanuel, God-with-us, the crucified and risen Son of God, new creation happens – the Spirit creating faith in believers in this world.

One by one, as this faith is created in believers, the new creation is gathered and formed into the church, created by the Holy Spirit for the further revelation of God's new creation in the world. In this church the Holy Spirit continues the work of new creation through preaching and the Sacraments. Baptism gives the believer a moment in time whereby the beginning of this new creation might be remembered; Preaching and Proclamation point out the new creation in its contextual richness and create it through a reaffirmation of God's promises to the world; the Lord's Supper maintains the new creation by giving it a tangible promise from God to which it may return and upon which it may depend. But the church is not a community closed in upon itself, withdrawing from the world; rather, as Christ was given for the world, and the world given for Christ's revelation, the church is given to the world as the primary work of the Spirit within it, and the world given to the church so that through its witness the Holy Spirit might continue the work of new creation:

It is not with the beyond that we are concerned, but with this world as created and preserved, subjected to laws, reconciled, and restored. What is above this world is, in the gospel, intended to exist for this world; I mean that, not in the anthropocentric sense of liberal, mystic, pietistic, ethical theology, but in the Biblical sense of the creation and of the incarnation, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.[3]

The church, as the new creation of the Holy Spirit, is given not just for its own good, but also to participate in the reign of God, both now and in the future hope of the eschaton. The world does not want this new creation, because the world refuses to acknowledge its createdness in the first place: "…the world came into being through Him, yet the world did not know him."[4] So the Spirit calls the church into being to be one with Christ, to unite with Christ in the glory of the Creator so that the world may know God in Christ and the love of Christ in the Sprit's work of new creation.

Thus the church exists as the body of Christ in the world for the good of the world. Jesus prays for the good of the world through the church:

I ask not only on behalf of these, but also on behalf of those who will believe in me through their word, that they may all be one. As you, Father, are in me and I am in you, may they also be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me. (John 17.20-21)

The church is created by the Holy Spirit to proclaim the reign of God through the glory of Christ. But what does this glory entail? When the hour of Christ comes, when Christ glorifies the Creator and the Creator glorifies Christ, what happens? Betrayal happens (John 18.4-5). Denial happens (John 18.17, 25-27). Abuse happens (John 19.1-3). Death happens (John 19.30). BUT resurrection also happens (John 20.18), and it is in this resurrection that the glory of being united by the Spirit with the Creator and Jesus Christ completes the work of new creation in the church. The world resists this aspect of the church, because of the world's rejection of its creaturely nature, and so, as Christ must die for the sake of the world, so must the church die to itself, to its ambitions to be anything other than the body of Christ, so that the Spirit might make it into a new creation, raised to new life to become one with Christ for the sake of the world.

The difference between the Christian hope of resurrection and the mythological hope is that the former sends people back to their life on earth in a wholly new way…Christians, unlike the devotees of the redemption myths, have no last line of escape available from earthly tasks and difficulties into the eternal, but, like Christ himself, … they must drink the earthly cup to the dregs, and only in their doing so is the crucified and risen Lord with them, and they crucified and risen with Christ. This world must not be prematurely written off.[5]

I have given them your word, and the world has hated them because they do not belong to the world, just as I do not belong to the world. I am not asking you to take them out of the world, but I ask you to protect them from the evil one. (John 17.14-15 (emphasis mine))

The church, in the reign of God, is called to participate deeply in the world God has created, not to escape it to live comfortably nestled away, safe from the world that threatens. For God is at work in the world that threatens, and where God has chosen to be at work, there the church is created by the Spirit of the Creator to participate in that work. The world belongs to God. The church belongs to God. The church, then, does not belong to the world, though in time the church exists in the world, and not by accident. This deep calling into this world is a purposeful calling at the command of Christ himself. As the church declares the glory of Christ by the Holy Spirit's creative work, the salvation of the world is taking place. It is for this reason that the world must not be prematurely written off: Jesus Christ came to save the world, and the Holy Spirit continues that saving work through the church in the present time. The church would do well to remember that its proclamation creates new creation now as it promises the fulfillment of all of God's future plans for new creation – the Word is always doing what it says.

Finally, the Spirit is breaking eternity into time in its work in the reign of God, the 'hour' of the glorification of God writ large. The Spirit works the past into the present by the performative proclamation of Jesus Christ, who was born, walked, taught, was crucified, and rose again in temporal actuality. Jesus Christ was an actual human being, and though all of history is created through him, in particularity he lived in a very brief period of time. But where the Spirit causes two or more to gather in the name of Christ, Christ is there with them – this is the Spirit working past performative promise into present perception, to the glory of itself along with Christ and God the Creator. In the present, the Spirit is at work in the world, creating the church and bringing it through continual death and resurrection, working a new creation, and through this new creation forming the body of Christ for the good of the world. The future hour of God's final glory is also under the auspices of the Spirit, and the Spirit is creating that hour in the body of Christ through the preaching of God's promised future, the drowning of the old and new creation of justification in Baptism, and the nourishment of the testament of Christ through the Lord's Supper. These means of grace belong to the church for the good of the world: through them, the Spirit is bringing the eschaton to the present and creating faith in the promise that Christ will come again and the reign of God will be complete.

Until the reign of God comes in fullness, however, the Spirit continues to create the church, the body of Christ for the good of the world. But unlike so many other spirits at work in the world, this Spirit makes no promises save one: to be a Christian is to become one with God the creator through the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ:

It is not the religious act that makes the Christian, but participation in the sufferings of God in the secular life. That is metanoia: not in the first place thinking about one's own needs, problems, sins, and fears, but allowing oneself to be caught up into the way of Jesus Christ, into the messianic event…There is nothing of the religious method here. The "religious act" is always something partial; "faith" is something whole, involving the whole of one's life. Jesus calls people, not to a new religion, but to life.[6]

God has given the world for the good of the Spirit, that life might come through the calling of Christ through the Spirit's proclamation. We as the body of Christ have the privilege of participating in that calling, in that gathering, in that living to which God is calling the world. That participation is also the completion that the Spirit works in us: when we are gathered into the body of Christ and sent into the world, the reign of God is established in us as well. Where the Spirit is calling us into the way of Christ, a new creation is brought to life – that life is the reign of God, and it lives where we live, in Christ, for the sake of the world.

---

[1] Scriptural subheading from Harper-Collins Study Bible, NRSV. Copyright 1989, Wayne A. Meeks, ed. p. 2044.

[2] Romans 8.22

[3] Dietrich Bonhoeffer, in a letter to Eberhard Bethge, 5 May 1944. Excerpted from A Testament To Freedom: The Essential Writings of Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Geffrey B. Kelly & F. Burton Nelson, ed. Copyright 1995, HarperSanFransisco, pub. p. 504.

[4] John 1.10 (NRSV)

[5] Bonhoeffer, to Bethge, 27 June 1944. ATTF, pp. 507-508. (emphasis mine)

[6] Bonhoeffer, to Bethge, 18 July 1944. ATTF, p. 509.

The image is "Creation" from the Saint John's Bible Project.

Friday Five: On the Road

These pictures of the Sisters were taken on our way to Nebraska last summer.

1. When was your last, or will be your next, out of town travel?

My last trip out of town was our wonderful Campus Ministry trip to Holden Village in the Cascade Mountains of Washington. It was an incredible trip marred only by the fact that Beloved and the Sisters couldn’t be with us.

As to the next trip, well, it can’t come soon enough. As of right now it will be my cousin’s wedding in early June, but we’re trying to find some time to get out of town before that trip. Beloved and I both need to get away for a while and just be with good friends and family.

2. Long car trips: love or loathe?

Depends on the company. By myself, I could drive all day and never feel the worse for it. Being one of those “introverts in an extrovert job” types, an empty automobile and a good audiobook is one picture of heaven for me. But I do enjoy road trips with friends as well. (yes, M, K, and C, that trip to Webstah back in 2000 was enjoyable for me, even though I was an ass on the way home. I hadn’t figured out how much I need “alone time” at that point. Again, sorry for those last two days.)

Travelling with the Sisters? Well, that’s different. Sometimes it’s wonderful, sometimes it’s excruciating. Kinda like everything about parenting toddlers, only compressed into a small metal box moving 80 miles an hour across the Midwest.

3. Do you prefer to be driver or passenger?

Driver, driver, driver. I am a TERRIBLE passenger. The only form of transportation I’ve ever found enjoyable as a passenger is Amtrak, frankly – air travel is too hectic and cramped, cars make me motion-sick if I’m not behind the wheel, and tour buses are the same as airplanes, only slower. If I had to take Amtrak to hell, at least I’d enjoy the ride.

4. If passenger, would you rather pass the time with handwork, conversing, reading, listening to music, or ???

Reading, mostly, when I’m not motion sick. I bring my iPod when I travel, but often it winds up being background noise these days.

5. Are you going, or have you ever gone, on a RevGals BE? Happiest memories of the former, and/or most anticipated pleasures of the latter?

I haven’t been to a BE, and probably never will, given that it’s for Gals far more than Pals, but I did meet several RGBPs at the Festival of Homiletics in Minneapolis two years ago, and that was just frickin’ awesome. You all are some pretty cool chicks. And pals of chicks, of course.

6. Bonus: a favorite piece of road trip music.

I'm in a Rich Mullins mood today, so here are three of my favorites:

Leadership and Error

"From the throne," Paul said, "I could make a paradise of Arrakis with the wave of a hand. This is the coin I offer for your support."

Kynes stiffened. "My loyalty's not for sale, Sire."

Paul stared across the desk at him, meeting the cold stare of those blue-within-blue eyes, studying the bearded face, the commanding appearance. A harsh smile touched Paul's lips and he said: "Well spoken. I apologize."

Kynes met Paul's stare and, presently, said, "No Harkonnen ever admitted error. Perhaps you're not like them, Atreides."

"It could be a fault in their education," Paul said. "You say you're not for sale, but I believe I've the coin you'll accept. For your loyalty I offer my loyalty to you...totally."

My son has the Atreides sincerity, Jessica thought. He has that tremendous, almost naive honor - and what a powerful force that truly is.

She saw that Paul's words had shaken Kynes.

"This is nonsense," said Kynes. "You're just a boy and-"

"I'm the Duke," Paul said. "I'm an Atreides. No Atreides has ever broken such a bond."

Kynes swallowed.

"When I say totally," Paul said, "I mean without reservation. I would give my life for you."

"Sire!" Kynes said, and the word was torn from him, but Jessica saw that he was not now speaking to a boy of fifteen, but to a man, to a superior. Now Kynes meant the word.

Dune by Frank Herbert.

Last night I heard this passage on my iPod as I was putzing around getting ready for the Campus Ministry Easter Evening cookout at our house. It's funny how the things you think about come from the most interesting sources.

Things in Rome are not going well. Of course, you can't hold those currently in positions of leadership accountable for the errors of the predecessors. But neither can leaders deny, obfuscate, protect and shelter abuse and sin, especially not within the church. This is a problem for all of us to ponder, frankly, because sin and evil pervade our lives and will come to all of us in time.

In an ideal world (okay, in MY ideal world), church communities would be places of extreme transparency when it comes to leadership making errors. Of course, not every situation need involve a public mea culpa and the attendant hand-wringing - we've had enough "I'm sorry" press conferences in the past few years, to the point that they've become an art form. But that doesn't negate the need for genuine accountability and sincere apologies made to injured parties. In fact, if we had a few more of the latter, maybe we could but just a tiny bit of faith in the former.

Something tells me the church shouldn't mirror the world on this issue, but unfortunately it seems as if that's the road down which we are headed yet again. When church leaders can deny mistakes through cleverly-worded statements which look like apologies but don't actually admit to any wrong-doing, the only people who benefit are those church leaders themselves.

This is not the kingdom of God proclaimed by Jesus. The reign of God will be marked by truth, even when it's ugly. The reign of God will be marked by admission of error and repentance, even when it's inconvenient to the powers that be. The reign of God will be marked by humility and loyalty, because in the end, communities are held together by either extrinsic walls of fear or intrinsic bonds of trust. Guess which bonds prove to be the strongest?

Grace & peace,

Scott

The Easter Sermon of St. John Chrysostom

Is there anyone who is a devout lover of God?

Let them enjoy this beautiful bright festival!

Is there anyone who is a grateful servant?

Let them rejoice and enter into the joy of their Lord!

Are there any weary with fasting?

Let them now receive their wages!

If any have toiled from the first hour,

let them receive their due reward;

If any have come after the third hour,

let him with gratitude join in the Feast!

And she that arrived after the sixth hour,

let her not doubt; for she too shall sustain no loss.

And if any delayed until the ninth hour,

let him not hesitate; but let him come too.

And she who arrived only at the eleventh hour,

let her not be afraid by reason of her delay.

For the Lord is gracious and receives the last even as the first.

He gives rest to those who come at the eleventh hour,

as well as to those that toiled from the first.

To this one God gives, and upon another God bestows.

God accepts the works as God greets the endeavor.

The deed God honors and the intention God commends.

Let us all enter into the joy of the Lord!

First and last alike receive your reward;

rich and poor, rejoice together!

Sober and slothful, celebrate the day!

You that have kept the fast, and you that have not,

rejoice today for the Table is richly laden!

Feast royally on it, the calf is a fatted one.

Let no one go away hungry. Partake, all, of the cup of faith.

Enjoy all the riches of God’s goodness!

Let no one grieve at his poverty,

for the universal kingdom has been revealed.

Let no one mourn that she has fallen again and again;

for forgiveness has risen from the grave.

Let no one fear death, for the Death of our Savior has set us free.

Christ has destroyed it by enduring it.

Christ destroyed Hades when He descended into it.

Christ put it into an uproar even as it tasted of His flesh.

Isaiah foretold this when he said,

"You, O Hell, have been troubled by encountering Him below."

Hell was in an uproar because it was done away with.

It was in an uproar because it is mocked.

It was in an uproar, for it is destroyed.

It is in an uproar, for it is annihilated.

It is in an uproar, for it is now made captive.

Hell took a body, and discovered God.

It took earth, and encountered Heaven.

It took what it saw, and was overcome by what it did not see.

O death, where is thy sting?

O Hades, where is thy victory?

Christ is Risen, and you, o death, are annihilated!

Christ is Risen, and the evil ones are cast down!

Christ is Risen, and the angels rejoice!

Christ is Risen, and life is liberated!

Christ is Risen, and the tomb is emptied of its dead;

for Christ having risen from the dead,

is become the first-fruits of those who have fallen asleep.

To Him be Glory and Power forever and ever. Amen!

Turning Away

Sometime around the 1st of July 2002, I drove from Monterey, California to Wakefield, Nebraska in about 36 hours. By myself. I've been thinking about that drive quite often over the last few months.

I'd been in Monterey to make a last attempt to save my first marriage. That attempt had involved me cutting my seminary internship short, moving from Titusville, Florida to Nebraska for a few weeks, then off to California for what was supposed to be a year's break from seminary while FW completed her time at the Defense Language Institute.

It had been a hellish year. A separation in September. Anger, denial, bargaining, and depression. Lots and lots and lots of depression. So many cigarettes my fingers turned yellow. Loss of sleep. Loss of appetite. Loss of weight that came on so quickly people thought I had cancer or tapeworms or something. Rotating which friends I could call so I wasn't calling the same people night after night, trying to figure out what to do. Running the same four mile course in Titusville over and over, chanting "I'm stronger than this - I'm stronger than this - I'm stronger than this" until the sprint came at the end and I couldn't do anything but run and gasp. Then, reconciliation. Trying to figure out how to put all the pain behind and start over. Trying to convince others it was possible, that it could work. Crash courses in marriage counseling, long phone calls to California, and hope. I was living on hope and baling wire, my Grandpa would have said if he were still alive.

As I remember, it took about three weeks to utterly fall apart.

In the end, the late night talks came down to just one thing: she didn't want "us" anymore. Irresistible force, meet immovable object. I drove to L.A. to stay with my best friend from high school while FW cleaned her things out of my life for the last time. Then I came home, threw what I could carry in a UHaul trailer, grabbed the cats and took off, fast as I could. When you finally get to acceptance, you want to get that coffin in the ground as quick as lightning.

I had loaded up the cooler with soda and fig newtons. I had all my CDs in the passenger seat. Drove over to Salinas, 101 north to San Jose, then the I80 bypasses until I grabbed I80 near Sacramento. Tahoe, then into Nevada. Same damn road I'd driven from Nebraska a month before. Mile after mile of mountains and valleys. I stopped somewhere west of Reno to take out my contacts by the light of the streetlights just outside a chemical toilet in the middle of nowhere. I caught three hours of sleep at the rest stop on the Great Salt Lake, then I grabbed some fast-food breakfast and pushed on.

Somewhere in the middle of Wyoming the reality of what was happening finally touched down. It was over. No going back. No more "trying to make it work." All the anger, the promises, the reassurances, the tears, the prayers: none of it had mattered one damn bit in the end. If you need to pull off the road and sob your fucking heart out anywhere, the shitscrabble countryside of Wyoming is as good a place as you'll get, because there's nothing to distract you from your catharsis. I know it's tempting to say western Nebraska, but there's all that prairie rolling away from you, rich with moisture and life. In the part of Wyoming where I unloaded nine months of abject failure into a succession of fast-food napkins and, in the end, my shirtsleeve, there was nothing but tumbleweeds and gravel to share my sorrow. Tumbleweeds and gravel don't like to give up their moisture for anything.

You get to a point where you have to turn away from what's dead and tend to living. It appears that I hold on to what everyone else can see is dead. I don't know why, but that's who I am, I guess. I've always believed that when you make a promise, you honor it with everything you've got. If you have to flex yourself a bit to keep the promise, well, you flex. I saw it in every important relationship in my life, from the earliest moments I can remember: in my family, we keep our promises. There's just one problem: when all you've known is honored promises, how can you possibly know what to do when promises are broken? You can try to keep your promises even harder, louder, more forcefully; but the end result is the same. You're keeping promises to what is dead, binding yourself to what will soon be a corpse, reeking of death and failure and decay, and if you're not careful, that corpse will drag part of your soul down into Sheol with itself.

Beloved and I were talking about the Unbloggableness tonight. I said, "this has felt, all along, like the divorce." She said, "Yes, and you're reacting the same way. You're trying to keep fighting for something that's already dead." She's right.

At least this time, when we get to Wyoming, we'll cry together.

EDITED TO ADD: It might sound like I'm trying to hammer FW here. I'm not. Pain heals in time, and while it wasn't great when it happened, FW and I have forgiven each other for that past and wish each other joy in the present and future. This is a lament about the present, not the past.

"Walking Away From Everything" by vampire-zombie

Good Friday

"Good Friday and Easter - the days of God's overpowering acts in history, acts in which God's judgment and grace were revealed to all the world...It was not human beings who accomplished anything here; no, God alone did it. God came to human beings in infinite love. God judged what is human. And God granted grace beyond any merit."

Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Ecce Homo" ("Behold the Man!") by Antonio Ciseri

Maundy Thursday

“The Church does not need brilliant personalities but faithful servants of Jesus and the brethren. Not in the former but in the latter is the lack. The Church will place its confidence only in the simple servant of the Word of Jesus Christ because it knows that then it will be guided, not according to human wisdom and human conceit, but by the Word of the Good Shepherd.”

–Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together (New York: Harper & Row, 1954), 109.