Healthy Pastor, Healthy Church

My denomination's provider of health insurance and retirement benefits has spent most of the past few years preparing to shift with the Affordable Care Act, and one of the resulting changes is a four-tiered health insurance plan rather than the single option previously provided to rostered leaders in the ELCA.  Among rostered leaders, this has produced some hand-wringing and consternation, and I hate to say there's good reason for it:  many fear that congregations, upon learning that more inexpensive options are available, will automatically dive to the cheapest plan to save money.  While being fiscally responsible is quite often commendable, in this instance I'd like to offer some thoughts about why paying less may cost congregations more in the long run.

Things We Should Let Go

Legend has it that when he was asked to preach in Chapel at Luther Seminary years and years ago, Prof. Gerhard Forde walked to the podium with a thick file folder, dropped it loudly on the surface and told his hearers, "These are all the letters I've received as a pastor and teacher over the years.  I just want you to know what being faithful to the gospel of Jesus Christ might get you."  

Something I'd Rather Not Be Doing

Tomorrow morning, Ainsley will have her tonsils and adenoids removed. I'm going to willingly place this adorable child in the hands of another person for slicing and dicing. Yep - not liking the thought of it at all, even though it should help her breathing, sleeping and appetite.

We've been prepping her the last couple of days, but for the life of me I don't think either one of us had the balls to tell her, "You're going to hurt after you wake up." Does that make us bad parents?

Either way, I'm going to hand over my child into the care of others tomorrow. Please pray for all four of us.

On the Healing of Hearts

Something remarkable happened a few weeks ago. I forgot my tenth anniversary.

31 July 1999 was the day I married FW in my home congregation. So, a few weeks ago the date that would have once been our tenth anniversary came and went, and the first I realized it was just last night while driving home from Theology on Tap.

Now, by no means am I suggesting that the date is inconsequential or unimportant. Nor am I proud of the fact that FW and I were unable to keep the vows we made to each other on that summer day ten years ago. I've blogged about the divorce before. It's something that continues to have an impact on my life today, in positive and negative ways.

To me, this is remarkable only because at one time I couldn't go an hour without thinking about the fact that I was divorced. Then it became a few hours, and after a while it was a few days, then a week or two. And all the while, the twist of pain and regret would lessen ever time the fact surfaced in my mind.

Nebraska is in the midst of pre-season practice at the moment, and a few of the players are back at practice after having suffered significant injuries. Some of the coaches note that they are only all the way 'back' when they can move at full speed without considering the knee, leg, or hip that was once injured. Everybody gets to that point in a different way and at different speeds, but the goal is always the same - to reach a point of fitness and well-being where past injuries can no longer limit present performance.

The same year FW and I got married, I was playing church league volleyball and landed on another player's foot. My ankle was badly sprained and the bone itself was chipped. It took weeks before I could walk normally again. Today that ankle is still somewhat problematic for me; there's some spurring and swelling in the joint that will likely never go away, but it's functional and rarely a problem for me. That past injury doesn't really affect me anymore, at least in a limiting fashion, but it definitely gives me an understanding when others are injured. In the same way, our divorce is no longer a limiting factor in our lives (I feel pretty certain I can say this on FW's behalf), but it gives us an ability to understand and remonstrate with others when these kind of things go wrong in their lives.

I'm not happy that I missed that tenth anniversary. It's a significant date in my life that should have been noted and remembered. But I am pleased that my heart has been healed to the point that my life today is not limited or hindered by that particular failing of our past. I hope the same is true for FW, and for all who live as divorced persons. Sometimes wounds leave scars, and life with them can never be the same as it was before the injury, but healthy living is best accomplished when the scars are not the whole of our identity, and love is possible, even better, because of what we learn from the past, mistakes and all.

Grace and peace,
Scott

The beautiful mandala is a painting by Jan West.

Two (OUCH) Steps Forward, One (OUCH - DAMMIT!) Step Back

Caution: whining ahead.

This has not been a stellar physical year for me. Two episodes of severe back pain have been really difficult to overcome, even with chiropractic care and what I thought was progress in taking care of myself. And lately things just seem to be getting worse. This morning I rolled out of bed with extremely sore feet, hips and back after having done nothing but sit on my ass and drive for four hours yesterday afternoon. Okay, well, I did preach yesterday and play with the girls, but that's nothing out of the normal for me.

Going to try to make a massage appointment today. We had a great therapist in Minnesota who went and abandoned us - something about a guy she liked, and would I do the wedding - I dunno, all I remember is she left us. We miss her terribly, both for her great work and for the friendship we formed. NM, anytime you want to move to Ames, we'll help you get started again, and even find a job for RM if he has to come along. I suppose I can support your need for marriage if you can support my need for pain relief. :-)

I know, this isn't the first time I've used this space to bitch about physical problems. But damn, this gets old after a while. I like being active, and I like running/biking/lifting weights, and right now I can't and I'm more than a little frustrated/scared about it.

One Day of Running

I've often said that one of the primary reasons I've stayed a runner is the cool gadgetry. I love thinking about different types of shoes and how they work, looking for good deals on moisture-wicking shirts and shorts, waiting for my favorite double-layered socks to go on sale, etc. Right now I'm saving up to buy a combination stopwatch/heart rate monitor. I guess all of this indulges the boy in me who will forever be entranced by lightsabers, rings of power and the idea that a truck could become a robot commanding a huge robot army.

I mention this because one of the new gadgets I've discovered is the training log program that Runner's World runs through their website. It compiles your mileage, times, how many miles are on the shoes you wear, what the weather was like on your last run, and about as much detail as you'd like to add. They even have a mapping program so you can enter the routes you run where you live and know the exact mileage of each route, which is a marked improvement from my old method of driving the routes and using the trip odometer on my car (and guestimating the distance when I ran where I couldn't drive). AND they have a button you can add to your blog, so that others can keep track with you - you can see it to the right, just under the "About Me" section.

As I was entering tonight's tempo run (1.5 mile warmup, 4 miles at 8:23 / mile or faster, .75 mile cooldown), I noticed that my comprehensive running time for 2008 is 24:12:44. So far in 2008 I've run for just over one day, total. The thought of it just amazed me. I started running for fitness eight years ago, when I finally got fed up with wearing jeans with a 40 inch waistband and getting seriously winded walking up the hill from Burntvedt Court on the Luther Seminary campus. Back then, I couldn't run constantly for very long - I'd go 3 minutes running, 2 minutes walking, for 30 minutes or so. But slowly, I made progress. I got to where I could run without stopping for much longer than I thought I ever could. On my internship in Florida, running kept me sane when lots of stuff around me was driving me crazy (and, let's be honest, a fair amount of my own stuff was contributing to the craziness). I came back to seminary the next year so thin that my classmates didn't recognize me: one friend who'd been in a monthly marriage care group and several of my classes walked right past me in the weight room before doing a double-take and coming back to say hello. Two years ago, in response to a particularly rough stretch that included my first diagnosis of depression, I entered the Fargo Marathon to give me a goal to work toward. Today, I'm a little heavier than I was then, but I'm still running, and I still enjoy it nearly every time I go out.

Transformation is a pretty incredible thing to see in hindsight. One day you're running just to drop a couple of pounds, the next you're wondering how much weight you could drop and whether you actually could take a shot at qualifying for the Boston Marathon in a few years. I didn't get into this to do anything other than be healthier, but now it's become such a part of my life that I can't imagine myself NOT running. It'll be interesting to see where this takes me.

Anyway, since I don't currently have a book on the iPod (problems with audible.com), I did a random shuffle for the run today. (the iPod is, by the way, another great gadget) Here's the list:
1. "Satisfied Land" by Storyhill (a great start if you ask me)
2. "Light As The Breeze" by Billy Joel
3. "Come Back To Bed" by John Mayer
4. "Like a Child (Live)" by Jars of Clay
5. "Grace Is Gone" by the Dave Matthews Band
6. "Nightingale" by Norah Jones
7. "Begin" by the Wailin' Jennys
8. "Jill" by Harry Connick, Jr.
9. "Peaches & Diesel" by Eric Clapton
10. "New York Prophesie" by Blues Traveler
11. "Good To Have A Friend" by Peter Mayer
12. "Bela's Reels" by the Chieftains
13. "I Got Stripes" by Johnny Cash ("on a Monday, I was arrested...uh huh...")
14. "Diamonds On The Soles Of Her Shoes" by Paul Simon
15. "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down (And Write Myself A Letter)" by Nat King Cole
16. "Peace Of Mind" by Boston (possibly the best intro to a song ever written. ba da da dum, da da dum da dum da diddly-a dum...)
17. "Rhythm Of Life" by Soul Support
18. "Let's Live It Up" by Brian Setzer
19. "Black & Tans" by the Wild Clover Band
20. "Jerry Was A Racecar Driver" by the Cornhusker Marching Band Drumline

Now, here's the funny thing about the last two - tomorrow the fam and I are off to Omaha to visit my brother and his family, to enjoy a birthday party for my nephew, AND to see the Wild Clover Band at the Brazen Head Pub. My college friend Aaron Svoboda plays bodhran and sings in the WCB, and I can't wait to see him and his wife. It's going to be a great weekend, made even better by the run I'm going to enjoy in Plattsmouth, NE on Saturday morning. So, in the best Irish I've got, let me wish you all:
Slainte!

Hi, I'm Scott - this is my blog...

It's been more sporadic blogging lately. I don't know why, precisely - I'm just not feeling as inspired to write and reflect at the present. That doesn't bother me so much, but I've not been reading blogs as much, either, and that makes me uncomfortable. So many people have great things to say, and I'm not giving them an audience they deserve. Anyway, I'm going to stop playing Scrabulous for a bit and tell you what's up here in Ames.

Speaking of Facebook, it's been kinda fun suggesting friends and having them suggested to me. I've connected with a few old friends and lots of new ones, and I've kept in touch with some folks from our previous calls as well. Scrabulous, though, is definitely the best thing about Facebook.

Ainsley continues to be a wonderful blessing to Kris and me. Having learned some basic children's signs, she can now ask for food, help with various things around the house, and lots of other stuff. I took her to the pediatrician on Monday, and all of a sudden she started signing "Baby." Then she pointed to the picture of a mother and baby on the cupboard above my head. Talk about a proud moment! Then she asked for milk and food to eat and we proceeded to enjoy a snack together in the examination room. I've remarked more than once to Kristin that she may not be talking yet, but she is communicating, and it's a lot of fun.

I've picked up my training for Grandma's Marathon, which is two short months from yesterday. *gulp* We've joined a gym in Ames and have been putting our membership to good use - in the 23 days of April I've gotten in 13 workouts, and that includes my trip to Nashville when I was so tired from the long travel days that I just slept in. In the past week alone I've lost two pounds - hopefully I'll keep losing weight and approach my goal weight of 190 lbs. for the marathon. If I'm going to make it under 4 hours I'll need to cut the weight. On Monday night I enjoyed my last bit of ice cream until my birthday, and I've eliminated the late night TV snacks as well. We'll see how it all goes, but I'm pretty happy thus far.

Is it me, or does it seem like God just flipped a switch and spring came ON? We went from cold and rainy and even snowy to green and warm in less than twenty-four hours, it seems, and I'm loving every minute of it. So is Ainsley, who now asks to go outside several times a day (when she's not already out there, that is). We were definitely feeling cabin fever the last few weeks of March, and apparently we weren't the only ones: either Ames is home to the highest per-capita percentage of runners in the world, or everyone's out feeling their oats this spring.

Watched a neat little program last night on NOVA: Tom & Ray Magliozzi, aka Click & Clack the Tappett brothers, hosted The Car of the Future. It wasn't as funny as I'd hoped it would be, but damn, as soon as Tesla comes out with an affordable plug-in I'll be first in line. That sports coupe they are building right now is HOT. Here's a video promo for the show that also shows the Tesla AND Ray's beloved '52 MG:



Good stuff there - brought to you by Dewey, Cheathem & Howe, naturally.

In book news, I've finished the Irish Century series by Morgan Llywelyn. 1999: A Novel of Ireland and the Search for Peace was the last and, unfortunately, very disappointing. After the Halloran family was so deeply involved in the republican cause for most of the century, watching them watch the rest of the century happen was very much underwhelming. You just never got the sense of the historic figures in 1999 like you did with Padraig Pearse, Michael Collins and even Eamon de Valera in the earlier volumes. That having been said, it's a worthy series with much to recommend it, even the final volume. Now I'm looking for good books on ancient Irish history, Brian Boru and the like, and not necessarily historical fiction, so if you've got suggestions, please send them my way!

Campus ministry continues to feel like a good fit for me, and I'm very thankful for the opportunity to work with and for these young people in our community. It's just incredible to watch them live and study and work and grow and become who they're becoming. Jan E at A Church for Starving Artists had a post about her church and their struggle to be a better community for each other - her frustration hits why I feel called here squarely on the head. I did NOT become a pastor to churn out confirmands and pray at every church supper - I'm here to help people ask the questions for themselves and learn what it means to be a disciple of Jesus every day for the rest of their lives, to never stop growing in faith, and in campus ministry I feel like I can really put that passion to good use. As I said a while back, it's good to feel useful again.

Well, that's the news from Ames - blessings to you all!

Peace,
Scott

Temptation, Recuperation, Addiction, Exasperation - Not Necessarily In That Order

I've not been a very happy camper these past few days. Matter of fact, I've been pretty much a pissant since all our family left Sunday afternoon. Grrrrr.

It all started on Thursday night when I noticed a tickle in my throat. By morning it had grown into a full-fledged sore throat: I'm sick with the Crud. Nothing major, mind you, and certainly not strep or walking pneumonia like Matt had a few weeks ago. But not fun. By Saturday afternoon, I was struggling to speak clearly and swallow without pain - right as our friends and family started arriving. Sunday afternoon was my installation service. It was wonderful and humbling at the same time - all these people celebrating the ministry they think we can do, with me as pastor and leader. *gulp* But I digress - I'll cover the installation more tonight from home.

I couldn't sing on Sunday. Literally couldn't hold a pitch at all - I sounded like the pimply kid on the Simpsons: "Mister, I can't stand the sound of your voice!" I said "Martin Luther" in the course of my sermon and it sounded like I had gone back to age 13. Not pretty.

Speaking of my sermon, it wasn't great. You'd think that the confrontation between Jesus and Satan, with its themes of temptation, fasting and the ministry of the angels would provide lots of fruitful space for preaching, but this week, it didn't. It wasn't even good, in my opinion: scattered words about Jesus and nothing really worth saying in the end. It can be SO frustrating when that happens: you think you've got something good and you just can't make it work right. Sometimes you preach the Word, and sometimes you preach words, unfortunately - I just wish it had been better for my family, who traveled quite a distance to see the Center and be with us on Sunday. Maybe next time.

Yesterday morning, I decided to take a 1/2 day of sick leave. I normally work about four hours on Monday afternoons: clean out the last of the stuff from Sunday, take a first look at the next Sunday's readings, email & phone calls, etc., so I can hit Tuesdays hard and get a lot done for the week. But I just felt punky yesterday - worn out and like I needed a break (after two weeks of being at the church at least once every day, you think I might have needed to stop?). So even though I was far from incapacitated, I did stay home yesterday. But we didn't get as much rest as we'd hoped, for our little Princess has decided she's too good to hold her own sippy cup anymore: she just walks up to you and throws the damned thing in your lap, then throws a fit if you don't pick her up and shove it into her face. The other fun bit is Ainsley's complete 180 regarding the Leapfrog Farm Magnet Matt & Sweetie and Kiddo gave her for her 1st birthday. On Sunday, she couldn't get enough of it. Now, she pokes the button, freaks out when the song starts, but continues to freak out if you turn the sound off. What. The. F#$@. Is. This?

Now, this morning. First, I forgot to get more coffee at the market yesterday, so I was down to dragging the last beans out of the coffee jar this morning and grinding the hell out of them to get the brew strong enough (finer grind = more surface contact = stronger coffee. You get that for free). But the filter folded over for some reason, grounds plugged the driphole on our coffeemaker, and with Ainsley throwing a sippy-cup fit in the basement, I came upstairs for my first cup to find coffee everywhere, EXCEPT in the pot, of course. grrrrr

I'm still a bit sick: feeling achy and clearing that nasty, rust-flavored phlegm out of my lungs when I cough. Voice is getting there, thankfully, but it's going to be a bit yet. At least today I sound marginally human. Grrrrr

And it snowed. Again. Several inches. Had to shovel instead of getting out for my morning run. GRRRRRRRR

After all of this, I was, as stated previously, pissy. GRRRRRRRRROWL Snapped at the wife. Snapped at the kid. Grumbled my way through my shower and a cup of hot chocolate (please, God, SOMETHING with caffeine to take the edge off). I stumbled into the market to buy coffee beans and decided I should splurge and get a Starbucks before I bit someone's head off.

Thus far it's keeping me sane. And I'm the only one here. Perhaps a sign on my office door (caution: caffeine addict in detox) might be in order. But hey, I just called Beloved and she's forgiven me - because I'm a lucky bastard, and sometimes, that's enough.

So, that's the present state of things: Temptation, Recuperation, Addiction, Exasperation. I'll add Contrition and Exoneration, considering Beloved and I are doing okay now. The last, then, for today will be this: Completion.

Dilbert on Health Care

I'm at a continuing education event at Luther Seminary this week, working through next year's lectionary in the Gospel of Matthew and other readings. This morning we're talking about Matthew 6 and the ethics of Matthew 6.25: "Do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?" As we've talked about work and worry and how to be aware of the context in which our people work and live, I was reminded of this brilliant Dilbert from a few weeks ago: